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Gothic
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Heidi

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October 16th, 2013

It's been a while since I've felt the need to rant and rave.....So what is new with me?

Well near the beginning of the year, Kara's dad Robert decided to call me up one evening and complain about taxes. It started a fight. So before I knew about how taxes worked and withholding of taxes from our jobs, I would share the tax refund with Robert that I received when I claimed Kara on my taxes. Since Robert lived in another state he wasn't allowed to claim her. When I met Dan he asked why I was even sharing that money with him. I figured I was trying to be nice to my ex and keep things smooth. Last year I told Robert I was claiming her and not sharing the return because we had many expenses from medical and eye doctor therapy sessions. He was fine with it because he was going to claim Amanda, his at the time girlfriend. They have since gotten married. This year comes and Robert askes if I am sharing the return. I say no because I have learned that the taxes withheld come back to us as the refund if we don't owe the IRS. By claiming Kara we don't pay in to taxes. We no longer get the Earned Income Credit because Dan and I make more than max to claim that credit. We claim dependent child care and such though.

So since I had claimed Kara, Robert proceeds to bitch that the money he does give to us is more than enough to support her and he should be allowed to claim her. I simply state that Kara is with me more, and he has no right to claim her at all. Thus he starts threatening that he will take her more than 50% of the time. Which my reply was he was being stupid because she is enrolled in school and has a settled life here. Then he starts personally verbally attacking me, and I end up hanging up on him, and I called his bluff and hired an attorney.

There was already a child support order in place for the exact same reason of he runs his mouth and wasn't giving me support just because of who I was dating. We have been trying to get the custody agreement in place with things that are still the same. He only gets her certain times, I claim her on taxes, and summer visits are only 6 weeks. Her education sufferes when she visits his house because I honestly believe they plop her infront of the tv or allow her to play her Nintendo DS the whole time. After a week of spring break she comes back a Zombie and not my little girl that I sent up there.  

So this whole time I have been waiting on him to get this done. He will end up paying more child support which he said wasn't going to happen. About two weeks ago I called and asked what is going on with the agreement and if he disagrees with any part of it. He says he only needs clarification on a few parts, but he wants to go through the lawyers. After another week he finally contacts his lawyer to tell her he wants to revise parts of the agreement which should have happened this past summer when my lawyer had to draft it up because he keeps dragging his feet. That and his wife has graduated from law school and thinks she is an expert in the law of wyoming which she only passed the Montana State Bar, not Wyoming. Besides that it is a conflict of interest, she cannot represent her own husband. She is an idiot to be giving her "so called guidance."

It is just a bunch of bullshit waiting on him for this, and I am about at my wits end. I know he is probably getting kick out of upsetting me, but really it is hurting Kara if this is not settled by Winter Break. This Winter Break is suppose to be his year, but if the agreement isn't finalized I will be keeping her from him in around about legal way.

His attitude about this whole thing just shows that he doesn't care about Kara, but only wants to use her to get back at me. I almost wish I would have asked him to sign away his rights in the very beginning.

I know this is partly my fault for having a child with him, which I don't regret having Kara. I am just tired of all of the dragging of feet.

Now I sit waiting on hearing back from his lawyer, and I know we will be denying his requests. I am almost wondering if I will have to sue him in order for this to be put in place. Trying my best to be patient, but to be perfectly honest it hasn't been my strongest virtue.

It has been affecting my mood, and I will admit I have slacked at things at home. Dan seems irritated with me, but at the same time I feel like I should be allowed time to slack. I don't always have things together, but apparently if I have a break down it inconvenience others. At times I want to scream at the top of my lungs and say, "Fuck You All! I need this and if you don't like it, get the fuck out!"

Sighs....so there it is.

June 26th, 2013

Although I am not happy about it, I was curious to see how Jonathan was doing. For some reason while I was working today he popped into my head. Since I knew he was on Facebook I searched him out. It looks like he has gotten divorced. I am not sure when that happened, but it makes me wonder if that is why he contacted me last January. While I am glad I wasn't the reason for the split I feel sadness around the situation.

I guess you could also say that I have still held onto the distaste of what happened those many years ago. I may have been more supportive as a friend had he given me the right to my opinion on our friendship and not walked away. Choices were made and I still stand by them. It would be horrible to turn back now. It just really bothers me that I had thoughts to check.

I guess it brings up the question can a person really stay friends with their ex's? I know I have with a few of them, but not closely. A facebook connection to have the occasional status update and pictures. It is good to see their lives are going well. There isn't much regret knowing that things didn't work out between us. Sometimes it is affirming that the right decisions where made not to be together. *Laughing* I get that alot when the relationship status change every 6 months or so. I know that sounds horrible, but there is truth in my words.

I wonder if that is why I keep my profile public. To allow those glimpses of my life to the ones that wish to check. It almost seems like a kindness.

So now, I have written about it and can get back to my life. I still care but from a distance is best.

May 9th, 2013






White Blank Page Lyrics 

Mumford and Sons

Can you lie next to her
and give her your heart, your heart?
As well as your body
And can you lie next to her
and confess your love, your love?
As well as your folly
And can you kneel before this king
and say "I'm clean", "I'm Clean"?

But tell me now where was my fault,
in loving you with my whole heart?
Oh, tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart?

Her white blank page
and a swelling rage, rage
You did not think when you sent me to the brink, to the brink
You desired my attention, but denied my affections, my affections

So tell me now where was my fault,
in loving you with my whole heart?
Oh, tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart?

Ahhhh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahhh ahhhhhh [x4]

Lead me to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life
oh lead me to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life

Ahhhh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahhh ahhhhhh [x4]


January 31st, 2013

Thoughts about the song

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Gothic
I think I may have already posted this song, but hearing it off and on Pandora helps.

Things are going well. I was a bit disappointed at the end of 2012, but it wasn't nothing too serious. Sometimes plans won't work out and being content with myself and possibly being alone is ok too.

As normal there are still many things that are running through my mind, but I have been working on focusing only on the ones I really need to. Here lately I have been working on paying down bills to really begin to plan on owning a home. While Laramie has it's good and bad things (fricken cold winters that sometimes last into June!) I am looking to put down roots and stay here.

The career is going well and I feel comfortable where I am at. I still doubt myself at times, but it is going a lot better now that I am in a position that my supervisor recognizes and appreciates that I will work hard and will help any way I can.

The kids are growing so fast and I find myself wondering if I'll be able to keep up. Kara is in first grade and learning how to read. We are starting to sit down and she reads to me. She is so smart. Dax, my gosh he is a little tornado but his smiles and giggles I love so much that it is hard to stay mad at him when he gets into trouble.

I am seriously trying to just enjoy the moments and not plan so far ahead in the future. Well a side note, I cut my hair short again. It was getting some length but with so many layers it was rough getting it to look decent in the mornings before work. Yeah I guess it could be said I am just lazy in the morning, but now I have one length and will let it grow.

Sighs, so still struggling with my weight. It's not so much the number that bothers me, just the look of clothes. I can do better but I also love food. I just need to become more active. I was doing that Insanity program for a while. It was good. I just got tired of family members commenting while I was working out in the livingroom. I want my own space free from viewers. I mean geeze I even have the gym membership, but dislike how many students stand around and watch others work out. Kinda creepy!

It's another thing that's tied to my wanting a house. I will have my own room for exercise. If Dan can have a man cave or garage, by God I will have my own room!

So there are my plans for 2013. Continue to listen to great music, watch thought provoking movies and just sit back and go along with the flow.

I think I am getting better at this life stuff. *Pause*   Hmmm not going to wait for God to knock me on my ass yet. Of course it will happen but not going to fret. Light and love.


He and I, it's somethin' beautiful
But so dysfunctional, it couldn't last
Loved him so but I let him go
Cause I knew he'd never love me back

Such pain as this
Shouldn't have to be experienced
I'm still reeling from the loss
Still a little bit delirious, yeah

Near to you, I am healin'
But it is takin' so long
Cause though he's gone and you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yeah, I'm better near to you

Well, you and I, it's somethin' different
And I'm enjoyin' it as cautiously
I'm battle scarred, I am workin' oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be

He's disappearin'
Fadin' steadily
When I'm so close to bein' yours
Won't you stay with me, please?

Cause near to you, I am healin'
But it is takin' so long
Cause though he's gone and you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet I'm better near to you
Yeah, I'm better near to you

I only know that I am better where you are
I only know that I am better where you are
I only know that I belong where you are

Near to you, I am healin'
But it's takin' so long
Though he's gone and you are wonderful
It's hard to move on

Near to you, I am healin'
But it's takin' so long
Cause though he's gone and you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yeah, I'm better near to you
Yeah, I'm better near to you

December 31st, 2012

Just watched the ball drop in New York. It is a nice feeling to watch others celebrate. Kind of feeling a sober moment. I haven't had anything to drink and maybe that is my problem, My little girl is celebrating with her Dad in Billings. My son didn't nap today so he didn't quite make it tonight. My husband is passed out and it's not even 10:30 yet.

My kitty, Hennessey is eyeing my foot for attack.

I wouldn't say 2012 was a bad year, just  I am in a mood tonight. I am glad I didn't head out because I do have to return to work in two days and being hungover isn't any fun. I already had a fun time on Friday and happened to trip and twisted my ankle. Not one of my finer moments because I got sick right after but hey it was fun. Still kind of hobbling around......

So this year instead of looking back, which would be ok, but just not in the mood........here is what I wish for the upcoming year.....

I wish I wasn't so restless at work and to be content with my job. While many people do not have jobs I do have a good one. I do get bored but perhaps I need to look deeper and be more productive. During this time off of work I haven't played games on Facebook. It might be time to give the games up.

I hope the American Congress can come to some type of compromise that will help the people instead of the lobbist. I can hope.

Yeah I am just not in the right mood for this......Well here is to the new coming year 2013, and I truly do wish everyone a Happy New Year!

Light and love......

December 19th, 2012

A few days ago I finished off the Serpent Bride series even though it's not really called that. I found that even when people we don't care for need to be trusted that all we can really do is trust they will do the right thing. The end of the series showed me that people will still harbor their own desires and wants even if it isn't for the good of others. The story doesn't always end in happily ever after.... it disturbed me quite a bit when this happened. I was not angry but mostly disappointed. Now that I have had time to reflect I wonder about myself and my own selfish desires.

A very long time ago a person walked out (was pushed out, or even fed up) of my life. I see myself in the character that still believes her desires to be just.I still hope for things that a normal person would just shake their heads at. Friendship. I stand in the shower most days thinking about the past and the people involved. I am close to putting things down and walking away. Is it because of pride or being completely stubborn? Is it my normal human nature to believe that the past should come back?

Another part of the story was of a relationship that was badly destroyed because of lies and hurtful words. The characters were able to reconcile, but not for the relationship. In the end while they wanted to stay together they both knew it wasn't possible. They went in different directions.

My own life has already taken that path even if it was forced. I am not innocent nor blind about things. My heart simply screams now...that he doesn't want you nor to know me any longer. I doubt the emails make it through and more than likely the email has been closed or spammed up.

It really is long past due....if contact is ever made then that day I will deal with it then. I can't keep holding my breath and having these feelings of regret. I truly am blessed with my family and my husband  and it isn't fair to put my selfish desires before them.

A lot of these feelings are coming from a trip up to Powell in a few days. Thoughts of the past and even past encounters there......Andy, Paul, and even Maiss. I even have the desire to recollect my dignity from one particular person, but everytime I am up there.....I am weak and my spirit is weak. I have never cheated on my husband physically, but I don't handle myself in a better way. I want to be seen and desired. Always I am asked, "Are you still being the good girl that you've become?"  To be brutally honest he isn't a good lay even....it's just the mental simulation I guess. What I want is to be in the same room, and not even go up to say hello. He knows I will. I hate myself for it. Always I have that self doubt that I deserve the good life that I do have. "what would be one slip? yeah sure Dan will leave me....." those are the nagging thoughts I have while I am in Powell. Powell is my hellhole and everytime I feel like I sink further and further down.

While I really don't care what others in that town think of me, it just irritates me that people can be so narrow minded and so self involved. Yeah I know I sound the same way right now. I have made something of myself and I truly wish I had to courage to shine and let those doubters......sighs...even if I had their approval I really don't think I would want it.

The strangest thing is the closer we drive to Powell the worse I feel. The same goes when we leave....the further the way I am the better I feel and my life is good. I wonder if a lot of people feel the same way about their hometowns.

I constantly feel like I am at war inside myself. It would be nice for some peace for a while. It is time to let it go....I can only pray and hope that I won't pick it back up again. It's ok to miss them, send them light and love, and then be on your way.

Light and love Glenn, Kara, Kara Lynn, Mari, Paul, and Maiss. Light and love.  

Alright Mayans....I am ready for my new beginning. Two days early in fact. *Laughing*

November 29th, 2012

Why do I do this to myself?

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Gothic
I wouldn't say that I hate this time of year but it always gets me thinking of past things. I feel the desire to reconnect, and it usually leaves me disappointed and sad. I feel the excitement of the search, but it always ends with a heavy heart. Honestly why do I do this?

I think it would hurt a hell of a lot more if I actually started to believe it wasn't real. My teen years were just a cruel way of growing up, and the love that I felt was just make believe. The doubt has started to creep in, and I hate myself for allowing it to. I really wonder if I am going to have to wait till my dying day to know exactly what happened.

Everything does happen for a reason, but wishing I didn't have to wait.

Lord God, help me to understand that it is ok to not know. I truly am where I am meant to be, and all the gifts you have given me are truly worth every bit of love, heartache, and loss. I would not have become the great lady I am if I had not experienced what I did. I really shouldn't need to look back, but look forward to life and the mysteries that are waiting for me. I pray for the patience to wait. I pray for the people in my life and I pray for those whom have left because I pushed or just the normal flow of life.

I believe that's where I have to be for now. My light of my life glows brightly and others can see that.....even miles and years away.

November 12th, 2012

(no subject)

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Gothic

Sending out love and Birthday Wishes to a very special lady. Wishing I could say more on the matter, but for now just sending out lots of love and thoughts out into the universe and heaven above so she might receive it. Love you Kara.  

September 13th, 2012

Message to the Heavens

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Gothic
Indeed a message to the Heavens:

Hey Kara,

I was cleaning out emails and I thought about you today. Not that I don't think about your often throughout my days, but I wanted to send out a message. I miss you .

It brings tears to my eyes. I probably shouldn't be writing this at work, but it's best to get it done and then finish up my day.

Things are going well in family life, and my Kara is growing up so fast. She's in first grade now. We are making sure she is receiving all the support she needs to learn. I find myself getting frustrated as a mother with both of kids, but I try to remember their lives are so much more simplistic than one of an adult. The messes and mistakes will happen. It is strange when I think about my own growing process.


I dreamt about Kara Lynn and your brother last night. I still hope everything is going well in their lives. I wish things might have turned out differently but I will tell you that I have grown. You would be proud that I finally put away childish relationships and remained true to myself. Things didn't turn out well for the friendship I had with Jonathon and when I needed only a friendship he walked out on me. He tried to reconnect but it was in my best interests that I said no and goodbye again.

I wonder if that is how your brother sees me. I wouldn't blame him really. I still think about the future and maybe one day finding him. It can't be anytime soon. I have a family. The movie Spanglish still guides me to this day, "There are some mistake you cannot make when you have children."

So it grows close to lunch, I will send this message out to the heavens. Know that I love you and miss you so much Kara. I await the day when we can finally see each other.

Heidi
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